Memoirs of the Human Wraiths (Book Trailer)

Hi everyone,

I am really happy to present to you my brand new book trailer for the rerelease of my trio of ghost stories, Memoirs of the Human Wraiths, on June 15th, 2018.

These three ghostly tales center on three different gay couples struggling against the forces of evil.

The Haunting of Timber Manor
Objects in the Rearview Mirror
Still Waters

I hope you enjoy them!!!

Follow the link to watch the trailer,  here

You can order the books here 

Also, don’t forget to sign up for my Patreon account and help me make great LGBT content! www.patreon.com/fefeeleyjr

See ya there!

#OwnVoices need publishers to focus on them (LGBT)

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unsplash-logoCaitlyn Wilson

With the recent fallout concerning the publisher Riptide as well as the fallout around Santino Hassell, there has been an exposure of underlying issues in the m/m romance genre.

These issues include racism, misandry, bi-erasure, trans-erasure, and oddly enough, homophobia inside these books.

Furthermore, there are issues that gay men deal with specifically such as conversion therapy and other such things that authors use as a plot device. Due mostly to the rules of romance combined with privilege, these serious issues are often overlooked or oversimplified.

This is detrimental to the subject matter because it gives the reader the wrong ideas about many aspects and it’s detrimental to the LGBT person who reads this and wonders just how so much could be so wrong in the world.

There are those out there who have no problem participating in the creation of work that perpetuates stereotypes, whitewashes homosexual relationships to make them more palatable, ignores People of Color in gay relationships, writes subjects without doing their due diligence in regards to what gay men experience (The Preacher’s Son), and this idea that fantasy has any business overriding the reality of many.

These issues, including others, are deeply rooted in the genre of m/m romance. They’ve caused widespread arguments before, there have been flare-ups before this, but nothing quite this bad or widespread.

Yet, the problem hasn’t gone away.

Nor will it go away.

Mostly, because like a festering boil, or like a bad tooth, the pain won’t go away until the root cause of the problem is dealt with.

I used to think that this is an issue that could be solved with simple conscientiousness. Yet, I think I may have changed my mind on this. I don’t think that’s enough.

We need publishers or a publisher to focus on LGBT stories from LGBT people – specifically. Whether that is an imprint or a publisher whose sole purpose is to produce this or publishing houses who have a diverse staff prepared to deal with these stories, specifically.

#Ourvoices

Our stories from people who are inside the spectrum of LGBT be they romantic stories or otherwise.

While I think people from all walks of life have a right to write what they want, we need our place to write what we know. What we’ve lived. What we’ve gone through. What we’re still going through. How we see the world.

We need a place to gather specifically for the creation of LGBT work by LGBT individuals.

Right now gay people and gay people’s lives are being used to profit everyone but gay people. That isn’t fair.

#Ourvoices need to be heard. #Ourvoices are important, too. #Ourvoices ought to have a place of their own to grow and flourish.

 

My first Poetry Collection

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I am proud to present to you a collection of poetry I put together over the past 2 years. My poetry, like my other writing, is informed by life experiences, memories, seasons, or by things I’ve observed about the intrinsic beauty and complicated nature of humanity.
For a very long time – having been raised in fundamentalism – I believed there wasn’t much about humanity that gave it worth. However, through the act of creating art, I have discovered that simply isn’t the case.
In a few short years, I have discovered love, regained my faith in God, and most importantly, regained my faith in my fellow human beings.
I also discovered that the things that attract us to a person aren’t the same things that make us stay. Often times it’s our imperfections that are the most endearing qualities that we possess. I believe God regards us the same way.
I hope you enjoy this collection

 

Buy Link for Amazon here

Smashwords links will soon follow

 

The Lighthouse (poem)

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In the midst of tempest raging
When the wind and waves crash constant
And the night is filled with flashing lights and rolls of thunder
When the rain lashes a thousand needles agaisnt the skin
A proud lighthouse stands in the midst of it all
Even when the world trembles
From the celestial cannon fire sounding
And the periods between electric light are as dark and deep as the ocean
And the sailor has lost his way
A proud lighthouse stands in the midst of it all
With yellow lights beaming, round and round it’s promise goes
Warning sailors of imminent danger while at the same time guiding them home
Though the waves may hide jagged rocks jutting upward
Ready to take apart ship and limb and life
The steady knowledge of someone watching, always vigilant , always ready
Encouraged the sailor to keep on fighting till the wind gives up the ghost
That’s how I felt the day I found you and i knew to come and speak to you
When life’s cruel waves did force me from a life id always known
And as that cannon fire through the night did rumble
Blinded by the lightnings angry forked limitations
Though hot as the sun’s surface, was too brief to guide me home
But those days tempest tossed are far behind me
And even though the wind and waves grow higher
The fear of going under or dashing against the unyielding rocky shore
Isnt Much of a worry for me these days
For I’ve given up my ship, now Harbored just inside the bay
And now I bathe in the glow of the lighthouse which has now become my home

My book Trailer (When Heaven Strikes)

Award Winning author Micheal Scott Garvin calls When Heaven strikes – ‘a magnificent gem..’

Paranormal Romance Guild said, “The author holds a beautiful line of the interaction of the new lovers, and the suspense of the upcoming Garden Party and the imminent storm; which was genius in its flow.”

Others have said,

praise for heaven

Here’s the book trailer

When Heaven Strikes

Here’s the buy link

When Heaven Strikes

Enjoy

Silver Haired Man (Poem)

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Photo by Shamim Nakhai on Unsplash

 

silver haired man
brother, I hear your hearts song
though martial music fills the air
like thunder it rumbles and shakes the world
there is familiarity here in your words
like the soft sighing of grass

there is a longing, there
the shadows of what could have been
ghosts of ‘what if’ gone silent and still
as your path turned left and you
leaving ‘what could have been’ behind you on the floor
weeping behind their glass wall

winters, oceans, the strangers house
I know these things as well
the hungry, the longing, nuances others overlook
I’ve cast mine eyes there
it’s one thing to view the world
it’s another to inhale it, hold yourself still, and see it

Silver haired man
the hand of God hasn’t been removed
its mark is still burnt onto your being
as now, you speak with his tongue
and notice the infinite in the cracks, pot marks,
and driftwood of humanity

You see the lesser, because you are the lesser
but the greater for it
for the veil has been pulled back
and the truth – that drove priests mad
stands in stark nakedness
exposed this time to eyes that seek to cover
not it’s shame, no

No, what you do isn’t an act of embarrassment
what you do is an act of empathy
you cover it not to hide it from the world
but to protect it, you, us, from the cold
like a good father would

Sinners who hate other sinners

Jesus
So, I’ve been thinking about this guy quite a bit lately.
 
A friend of mine posted this earlier and for any gay man who was raised in religion – we have a fickle relationship with Christ.
 
The other day I made a comment on a Facebook page of a Popular priest, a Jesuit, who is working really hard to reach out to the Queer community as a whole. He seems very kind.
 
However, after I placed the comment about my husband and I, it didn’t take very long for someone to come along and start throwing scripture at me. Leviticus and Romans – mostly. He brought up the Apostle Paul yada yada .
 
When I was a kid, as church would begin someone would lead the congregation in hymns and someone else would sing a special – and that part of the service always had my attention.
I mean, the love of God that they sang about was so overwhelming in songs such as The Love of God.
The second verse goes something like this:
 
Could we with Ink, the Ocean fill
and were the skies of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill; and every man a scribe by trade
to write the love of God above, would drain the ocean dry
nor could that scroll contain the whole though stretched from sky to sky
 
or take a verse from It is Well by Horatio Spafford
 
My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
 
Or how Great Thou Art
 
Oh, Lord my God. When I in awesome wonder.
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the sun, I hear the rolling thunder
thy power throughout the universe displayed
 
 
And then the microphone was put down and in the ten steps from the piano to the pulpit God changed. He went through a metamorphosis.
In the ten steps between the piano and the pulpit God changed from this awesomely powerful, all encompassing loving, being to a twisted, angry, petty, creature akin to a brat hovered over an ant hill with a magnifying glass.
 
In those ten steps I went from open to the experience of God, not just the message, but my body would react. My heart would beat. I would get gooseflesh and tears in my eyes tooooooo…….. nothing.
 
Not anger. Not boredom. Not fear.
 
Just. Nothing.
 
It is an amazing feat to be a child/ teenager and sit still and stare forward at a man prowling the altar like a lion, shouting, pointing, sweating, and not move a muscle and yet, be as far away as a person could be. This would go on for a couple of hours every Sunday morning, Sunday Evening, and Wednesday night and God help us, if there was a tent revival because then that shit just went on all week.
 
7 days, often times, seven different preachers, each one of them come to deliver us from the pit of our transgressions.
 
And always the same, the music was there. I would be enraptured with it. Moved by it. Experiencing God, I believe.
 
Then. Whamo!
 
The door would slam shut and I’m mentally redecorating my bedroom.
 
There was something off about the message. Mostly, I think, it was because we made Christ into some kind of schizophrenic.
 
My husband has been watching this lecture series on The Great Courses with this professor who is as dry as an accountant’s field manual. Honestly, he’d turn it on, meaning to watch it, and before long I’d hear him snoring in the living room. But I am listening to this guy as I am working and he’s going on and on about the gospels. Not just Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John but all the gospels that didn’t make the final cut. The Gospel of St. Thomas, The Gospel of Mary, and on and on it goes.
 
I tried watching him full on, and im glad I had the filter of whatever I was doing because my eyes crossed and all I heard was, “Bueler, Bueler, Bueler…”
I digress…
Anyway,  what’s interesting about all of it – and I do mean all of it – is Christ was almost Greek-like in the stories. Like it was Mythology. He was petty, mean, vindictive. There were crazy mythological stories about magic beasts etc etc etc and it dawned on me. These weren’t included because they all made Christ and God by proxy sound …just….human. Petty. Stupid. And it was then I realized that these preachers had done the same thing.
 
There was no ascension happening. No moving toward heaven. No moving the church toward God. No rapture.
 
Christ was actually attacked from behind at a gas station, a bandanna soaked in Desflurane was placed over his mouth and he was thrown in the trunk of the grocery getter.
 
It’s like they couldn’t believe God actually loved them.
 
 They would sing about it.
But when it came to having the faith – that was different.
They didn’t really believe him.
That they were loved.
That they were so loved.
The idea that the grace that ‘saved’ them in their circumstances, would be needed to save someone else they deemed inferior and therefore made Grace as a concept, offensive.
That’s why they hang out in the Old Testament so much. They want a God to punish them.
And they want a God to punish those who they see as inferior to them and therefore become the worst kind of sinner.
A sinner who hates other sinners.
I don’t pretend to know the wisdom of God, but I do know the wisdom of man and I think these men – in not being able to deal with God as he is – had to bring him down from heaven and make him dumber than we are.
I remember when I first started dating my husband. When I realized he loved me. I hated him for it.
I was so twisted inside out with what had gone on in my life and what I’d put myself through – I resented this guy who told me that he loved me. I believed him 100 percent.
But I hated him for it. I knew me. I knew me. I was the least deserving, in my mind.
I sabotaged our relationship. I wanted him to hate me back.
When I asked him later on why he hadn’t given up on me. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You did nothing to earn my love. You can’t lose it.”
It makes me wonder, now, whenever I see a “Real Men Love Jesus” bumper sticker.
Do you love him for loving you? Or do you hate him for loving you because you know you?
Knowing you are not deserving of it.
Thank God, for all our sakes, we did nothing to earn it.

Okay, Teen Vogue, Let’s talk Sex. But let’s talk about all of it.

First off, I’m Gay.
Secondly, I’m a little weirded out by this whole thing. I think having gay sex in a sex ed course is important.
That being said I’m not so sure about Teen Vogue posting a ‘how to guide’ when it comes to anal sex.
For a couple of reasons:
A) Anal Sex isn’t for everyone. I know a lot of gay men who don’t do it. This has been somehow turned into ‘all the way’ in the gay romance m/m version of Paradise by the Dashboard Light. It isn’t. Cut the crap. 
C) I know teenagers have sex. I’m not stupid. Abstinence only education doesn’t work. I grew up evangelical baptist – it didn’t work there either. Trust me. That’s how you end up with the aforementioned HIV stats and that isn’t factoring teen pregnancy. 
So far we’ve just talked mechanics.
But sex is far more complicated than just the act itself. I wish there was an open and honest conversation about ALL of the things that come with sex – stuff adults have a hard time wading through let alone some kid who’s bodies and brain aren’t fully developed. Who’s emotions aren’t fully developed.
Basically, I wished I had someone to talked to me about sex in the same fashion that say women get talked to about sex. With a firm understanding that sex =/= love and love doesn’t always require having to be naked. That there was a worth to me more than what I can do with my body. Young gay men need to hear this and they never do. As a matter of fact, they spend their whole lives being told their less or worse.
When I first had sex I was twenty and it was with a woman.
I was ugly. I was overweight. I had bad skin. I was my own birth control.
But then I lost a lot of weight and got really really cute. And that got me a lot of attention.
When I did have sex with a man, a couple of years later, I wasn’t emotionally ready.
I was reckless, careless, and stupid. I never used a condom. Ever. And while I didn’t end up HIV positive by some miracle, I’d fucked my heart up and become so jaded that when real love showed up, actually showed up, I was bitter. I couldn’t see it. I almost destroyed my relationship with my husband before it ever really started.
Because like it or not – sex does something to you. Inside. Mentally and emotionally.
Maybe that’s not the way it will be for them, but God, shouldn’t we spend a couple of years emotionally reinforcing these kids before we throw them out into the world of Kama Sutra?
D) While I understand the article said to use a condom – there are adults who won’t. Who use Prep as if it’s a cure all pill and don’t consider HIV’s older siblings that can be just as deadly if left untreated or just as permanent. 
E) While the right is dedicated to being socially retarded, and their bigotry is an emotional investment in ignorance, I think the far left is becoming just as reckless and irresponsible in their short sightedness. Don’t be so ready in your efforts to declare love is love if you won’t come out and say sex isn’t love. It isn’t the same. And while you’ve been getting heat from ding bat people for this article, you have a responsibility to teenagers to give them the whole truth about what it is your selling to them. 
F) I know the second leading cause of death for people ages 10 – 24, is suicide. Bullying is at an epic level in our country. These kids need emotional reinforcement. They need positive role models. They need space to just be kids. Some of them have shitty parents. Some of them have shitty religious figures, bad school lives, a flood of negative things said about them. Horrible Politicians. Hell, Michelle Bachmann couldn’t keep kids alive in the district she was head of, as a matter of fact, according to this article it seemed like certain people there were actively trying to get these kids to kill themselves or were turning a blind eye because they thought these kids were better off dead than gay,  http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2011/07/michele-bachmann-teen-suicide/
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/facts-about-suicide
In this political climate, Jesus, especially in THIS POLITICAL CLIMATE ….come on.
G) Some people might roll their eyes calling this ‘slut shaming’ or ‘Don’t do as I did, Do as I say.” To the first people, go to hell. You know the way kids can be, you know the way some ADULTS can be, don’t set these people up for failure. This doesn’t concern you .
To the second, to some young adult that might read this,  You’re right. I sound like a hypocrite. I wish I could go back and undo what I’d been through now that I know what love is.  And it isn’t because ‘I got a man’, either. Love was with me the whole time. I just didn’t have a mom and dad who cared enough about me to let me know that in the beginning. So I went looking for it in other ways that, looking back, took from me instead of gave me anything. There’s so much being thrown at you now. It’s so confusing and overwhelming. I am not saying don’t do it. I am just saying, “You don’t have to.” No one would ever think less of you. And if they did, then they don’t respect you. You deserve respect.
Can I give you one more piece of advice? Be a kid as long as you can. The adult stuff isn’t much fun. We don’t ‘have it down’ any better than you do.  Except now we have the added bonus of paying taxes. It’s bullshit. Take all the time you need. You’re so worth it.
And if you’re a young adult who may have had sex but you’re not so sure if you want to again – there’s no shame in saying, “I want to focus on school. SAT’s are coming up. ACT’s are coming up. Prom. College Applications.”  Just know you’re worth waiting for.
H) If I were a parent and my kid brought this home. I’d be pissed.
I) This was the best sex talk I’d wished I had. If you don’t believe me, Listen to ‘Kurt’s Dad’ from ‘Glee’. 

The murderers of Chechnya

I’d like to say what is happening in Chechnya right now to gay men is the act of animals.

I’d like to say what is happening in Chechnya right now to gay men is the act of demon possessed people.

I’d like to say what is happening in Chechnya right now to gay is the act of mentally ill people.

But it isn’t.

Critters – large or small – aren’t known for murderous rampages. Most animals kill out of necessity. They must eat or defend themselves or offspring.

While I am a religious person and do believe in a spiritual world – blaming the acts on demon possession is a scape goat.

And as far as mental illness is concerned, I believe fundamentalism is a type of mental illness – sure – but understand that fundamentalism often hides sociopath with perfect skill.

No – what is happening in Chechnya is perfectly – and horrifically – human.

Sure they may do what they do in the name of Chechnya, in the name of their God(s), reinforced through religious ideology, but all of this is the excuse that enables them to act and murder their own with impunity.

These people are religious tyrants, thugs, and murderers but at the end of they day – they’re human with no excuses for the blood on their hands.

 

Thank you (Poem)

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((Photo by Alyssa Smith)

April is National Poetry Month and in my little corner of the literary world there’s some bad stuff that happened and then some good stuff and then some fantastic things. But tonight, my poem is about the LGBTQI community. Most notably, those who’ve died. So, to the spirits of those people who surround me right now at my desk – this one is for you.

 

I love you in ways I can’t explain
in tongues I don’t know
in lives long since passed and ones
that haven’t been lived yet

I owe to you my life
for the life you laid down for me
when death came by way of AIDs,
suicide, neglect, or brutality
your very being and bravery
thought me into existence

I am not blood of your blood
but I am bonded to your soul
my forefathers and foremothers
we share one thing, one strong thread
and that is the truth – this space – where
we chose to live

There is no way to trace me back
no DNA to tie me to you
but through your courage and love
I stand solid in my marriage and
am the realization of the dream you had
for yourself

So, i honor you today, my family
my brothers and sisters and uncles and Kin
be ye black or white or beige or red
be ye muslim or Jew or native American
simply by saying, ” Thank you.”

Thank you – for what you did.