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What I want for my Birthday: An open letter to America

Hey Guys,

April 12th is my birthday and since I can run this country thousands of times better than Donald Trump can, I am going to ask for a few things.



  • First of all, I’m going to ask you to stay home for Easter Sunday and the days closely following.
  • I am going to ask that you refrain from meeting in large groups because you’re going to expose yourself to a deadly virus and possibly expose others when you come home.
  • I am going to ask you to refrain from your place of worship because the building is not the church. You are. A pastor’s primary job is to protect his flock – not endanger it.
  • I am going to ask that you stay home from work because no matter what the president says, that company you work for can only care about you as far as the money you make for them. If you get sick at your job, or if you go around spreading Covid 19 to the population at large – there’s going to be too many people sick with COVID – 19 to purchase whatever it is you make – therefore making the outbreak, and the economy, worse than it already is.


  • I am going to also ask you, to spend time with your family and make the best of a rotten situation. We are in a health crisis. Hospitals are in bad shape and it’s important that we support those who work in the medical field, by making their lives easier so they can get a handle on this disease.
    I am going to ask you to also relax about the state of our economy. Unless you’re super-rich or have any particular wealth, the DOW JONES is meaningless to you. At the end of the day its numbers on a board.*Kanye Shrug*
  • I am also going to ask you to think about something else while you’re watching Netflix and chilling with your honey. I want you to think about what’s emerged in the past several weeks. Meaning, I want you to think about who is being forced to work right now. The ‘essential’ people that have emerged in this slight disaster that has kept our pantry’s stocked, our roads clean, our packages delivered, and our hospitals running. I want you to think about the teachers bending over backward to log onto the internet, with less than a week’s notice, to teach your child. I want you to take what you think that’s worth and multiply it by 100 so we can come up with their new base salary.
  • Furthermore, I want you to think about the amount of money we’ve been spending over the past couple of weeks. Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve watched the super-rich lose their asses over this time away -which is why Trump wants you back to work. But I think what these people need to understand, and by people I mean stockholders etc. is that we’re not going to go back to the same ol’ same ol’. We’ve watched the federal government inject trillions of dollars into the stock market. The first time, it was 1.5 trillion ((Of your tax Dollars might I add) or so which evaporated in less than thirty minutes. Now, we have a stimulus package coming out worth 2 trillion dollars. We could have paid off student loans and given teachers a raise on that money which would have freed up the market, and in turn, freed you to have more cash in your pocket.

There are ZERO excuses not to anymore. I hope that, while you’ve got some time on your hands, that you sit down and write you representatives and inform them, that starting the day we all go back to work FOR our country, our country is going to go back to work FOR us, for a change.

No more bullshit. No more excuses. Let’s get right.


F.E. Feeley Jr.