Find your empty boys (poem)

Please don’t leave me here
by myself staring up at the cracks in the ceiling
I need you. don’t you understand?
I need you to be with me when I rage
when I scream at the injustice of the world.

How can you just vanish like this?
When I’m drowning in my own mind
as I lash out with lightning words off my tongue and rage like a river?
how can you call me friend, and turn your back
when my own grave dirt is under my fingernails?

Don’t you like my nakedness?
are you upset my cock isn’t the only thing thinking?
You like it when you point me at someone you don’t like
am I your greater fool? Do you dive for my seat when the
music stops?
is that how this is supposed to go?

You know how bad it is for me
you knew how deep the grave was dug
how deep my madness became when my fist broke free of the sod
and I dragged myself to standing
Don’t you love your vampire?

how can you just depart from me like this?
you should know not to play with dead things
we aren’t the most patient of beings
we tend to speak our minds

You shouldn’t have left me here, unattended
I could wander out into the sun
when all I wanted was your presence
when all I wanted was your love

You shouldn’t have left me here.
I’m not that kind of boy that’ll let you come first.
I’m a real boy. A real flesh and blood boy.
Not a caricature for you to control.
And certainly not your whore.

Find your empty boys
the ones who can’t protest your ambitions
I am way out of your league
I wanted your love. That would have set me free
I guess I’ll have to do the rest by myself.

Paper Mache (poem)

I can’t be what you want me to be!
I’m not the image you see in the mirror
Nor your reflection in the river
I can’t speak with your voice
Nor think with your mind
I have my own, they sound like me, it sounds like mine.

I will not be a paper mache
For your to color and design
A Freddie for you to be comfortable with
One that’s hollowed out inside

My own thoughts make ME lonely!
So when I speak them you’re getting second-hand smoke
I’ve already filtered out the bad things and took them into me
That these aftershocks are a joke

I can’t taste with your lips the things you’ve lived through
Those flavors don’t belong to me
But I’ve swallowed my fair share of life
As I suffer from sclerosis of the soul

My thoughts aren’t formed any cheaper than yours
This cloth is made from my own hide
And water is just as wet for me
And time ticks away for me

I can’t be what you want me to be
I can’t
I won’t

I will not

But because of that, I’ll still be lonely.

I will not be a puppet that sits upon your knee
With strings that raise my awareness up higher

but not high enough to leave your shallow depths of awareness
For all the world to see

I’ll be here tomorrow, as I was yesterday,
Just a person in his own corner
Flesh and bone and naked and lovely
And not your paper mache
I am not your paper mache

I will not be your whore

this shit costs more than you can afford

my dignity is priceless, my truth expensive

I won’t put my hands in the air for you

I will not be your mask of superficiality
your excuse for a dirty mind
I will not be your paper mache
your caricature of justification and the latest transgressor

in your world of fake news.

In this land of yesterdays (Poem)



(Photo by Johanneke Kroesbergen Kamps)

gentle we sleep
silver dreams above our heads
windows to the soul slide open
letting the gentle current in

thousand memories tumble
distant faces floating by
reminisce with us in exquisite sweet seconds
as they stop just to say hi

oh, we are not forgotten here
in this land where time urges us on
we are remembered by our memories
for our memories remember us

in our sleep
we are rejoined to the consciousness
of a river flowing homeward
sweet surrender, sweet surrender
a reunion of what is to what was

sweet repose so badly needed
by a body so worn from the day
but at night names bear repeating
for in their arms we safely stay

That, at least, is what I am hearing
just beyond the strain of my ear
in the stillness the rivers waiting
waiting for me to draw ever near

goodnight to all of you, my darlings
white water rapids beg for me to play
in the waters so warm and gentle
in this land of yesterdays

Joanna and Chip Gains – A gay point of view

HGTV hosts two very talented and amiable people on one of their shows who go about fixing up homes. It’s one of many on that channel and their schtick – as well as the name of the show- is, Fixer Upper. Chip and Joanna are a married couple in Texas who go about Waco (and the surrounding areas) and renovate their city for potential home buyers.

If you watch the show – and I have – you see two people, very much in love, very happy with what they do. Joanna rocks this sage, wise, persona with a hell of an eye. And then there’s Chip. Chip is every GOOD guy in the world who works hard to make his wife happy, to help her raise their kids, and to make beautiful homes.

Recently, Buzzfeed wrote an article exposing their preacher to be anti-gay marriage. And right now, they’re trending all over social media. So I went over to Buzzfeed and read the article and I got angry.

But I am not mad at Jo or Chip. And I am not mad at their preacher. Nor am I angry that Jo and Chip attend that church that ‘disagrees’ with my marriage.

I’m mad at Buzzfeed.

I like Chip and Jo’s work. I think they are both extremely talented individuals with a passion for their city, a passion for their family, and a passion for their work. I appreciate that.

When I turn on my television to see what they’ve done to a house – this is where I go to meet them.

But even if their show was not longer on the air or maybe never on the air to begin with, I still go to meet Jo and Chip. And I go to meet them in our mutual humanity and our shared American citizenship.

Now, let me explain something. I don’t like most Christians. Especially American Christians. I think in a lot of ways they’ve lost the gospel of Christ and are more interested in keeping people OUT of heaven than they’re interested in letting people in. I am also not a fan of just anyone picking up a Bible and waving it around because I know – that book – has been used – by some-  to justify everything from slavery in this country, Jim Crow Laws, and anti -Marriage Equality stances. In short, I disagree with their theology and in turn, their lifestyle.

In short, I disagree with their theology and in turn, their lifestyle.

Often times we hear ‘ I don’t agree with your lifestyle’ and people mistake that as me having ever asked you your opinion or needing your permission to live my life. Let’s make it clear, I didn’t nor do I think I need to. And offer you the same courtesy.

And while I will fight the church tooth and nail if it ever decided it wanted to drive in my lane and interfere in my rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I will fight, side by side, with the pastor of their church to protect their 1st Amendment rights to believe what they believe.

Let me reiterate that. As a GAY MARRIED MAN I support 100 percent the right of someone to believe what they believe and I will fight to protect their belief guaranteed to them by the first amendment’s free exercise of religion clause.

Writing what amounts to political hit pieces on hosts of a renovation television show is engaging in identity politics and as sick as I am over a bunch of crazy Jesus beaters, like Franklin Graham who’s weight into this, who I think is about as ‘saved’ as the man in the moon – I am sick to death over the current trend toward identity politics.  As much as a loathe Breitbart for their anti- intellectual tirades, Buzzfeed – you and Breitbart are in competition as you try to out-stupid each other.

Joanna and Chip are my fellow Americans and although I am persona non grata in their church because I would never compromise myself to attend a church that didn’t ‘agree’ with my ‘lifestyle’ – they are still my brother and sister in Christ.

Yes – I am a Christian. I know a lot of ‘those’ Christians don’t think so but like I made clear – I really don’t give a damn what they think.

Just like I didn’t need that church’s (or any church’s)  permission to claim salvation for myself through Christ, or my right as an American to marry my spouse, I don’t really need BuzzFeed weighing in and trying to pull me and other people like me – and create in me an adversary to people who share our mutual birthright enshrined in The Constitution of the United States.

This is why our country is so screwed up right now.

As long as chip and Jo don’t come at my right to marry, I got no beef with them. But as far as what church they go to, they don’t need my approval. The approval came a long time ago from people who bled and died to grant it to them that right.

And I ain’t talkin’ about Jesus.

I am sick to my back teeth of whack job politics be it from the left or the right. Imma be right there, watching HGTV, and maybe Jo and Chip won’t do a ‘gay couples’ home but I still can take notes while I hope this country finds its way back to its legacy of centrist politics.

All that is being done now is forcing the Gaine’s family to make a decision, publically, on this issue. And that really isn’t fair. Let’s say they were on the fence over the issue – if I were forced into a corner – I would tell those who FORCED me into it , to go to hell.

Meanwhile, since this is now going to be hashed out in the court of public opinion – it’s going to look like gay people started this fight. When we didn’t. This wasn’t our beef. And Buzzfeed, you don’t speak for us.